date: december eighteenth, 2024

subject: flagellation

today was a really bad day. i think i forget i have those and it brings me down even more.

whenever i do something "bad", or think i've done something "bad", my immediate thought is to self mutilate. typically it's physical, and if i'm particularly unlucky that day i'll give into it. if i'm luckier, i take it a step further and replace the physical with bombarding myself mentally with the sweetest of nothings: "you deserve to be hurt. you deserve what this feels like. you are bad. you deserve to feel bad. you aren't a person. you only bring suffering and disease wherever you go. you should kill yourself." and so much more. i try to work towards some semblance of healthiness, where i don't feel the urge to induce suicide ideation in myself the second i am bad as a means of repentance to the person i have wronged, but that is unfortunately extremely difficult. my brain has this mastery is dehumanizing me, to the point where i punish myself the way a cruel old man would his dog: starve, beat, isolate, whatever makes this thing learn to never repeat the same mistake. unfortunately, my body cannot understand it is doing something bad, only my brain does. so the cycle repeats. bad body!

there are weeks, months, etc. where i feel i've made true progress in how i view and treat myself. and i think (to a degree) that is true! but, on bad days like these, i lose all hope in my progress and return to punishing myself the way my parents did. funny how you're told repeatedly that you are not your trauma, but your trauma decides who and what you'll become anyway. cognitive dissonance ftw i guess.

whatever i end up doing to self sabotage and harm, i try to remind myself that i have the ability to get better again. that, and that days can be good and days can be bad. i treat the siren song of suicide as the whine of a dog when it sees chocolate. you don't get to die! but you can fantasize and beg all you want. besides, i don't get days quite this bad often-- maybe twice or thrice annually. at least it's my (hopefully) last big bad day of the year. i can hate myself more next year!

sometimes i want to share things like this in this diary, but i remember when someone used it against me and promptly shut down. i have to remind myself that it's my diary, and you all are just readers. i can share whatever i want, and it's all your problem if you don't wanna read it!!!! but in all seriousness, i shouldn't restrict my spaces to express myself based on who could possibly find and exploit them. nobody should, i guess.

i'm currently reading a couple books, eating mac n cheese (though will likely go on a punishment fast soon), obsessing over why our lashes look prettier after crying, recommending trying to enjoy the winter, and treating myself to some self neglect.

merry winter to everyone. don't do what i do!!!! be nice to yourselves! hopefully the next update will be me spoiling christmas gifts or something.

date: december eleventh, 2024

subject: summer days

tonight, i'm watching moonrise kingdom with my luzinho. an easy favorite. it feels like how we would've been together, had we been white twelve year olds in the twentieth century who ran away. there's something almost nostalgic about it; despite us having never experienced anything remotely like this.

this month has been full of chaos, but these last few days have been quite idyllic. i wrapped up the semester, and am excited to have a full three months of lazing about. i kid, i'll probably be swamped with job applications and internships and trying to find something to do. the boredom will eat me whole, much like it did in the summer.

oré has begun her biannual shed, and now i sweep the house thrice daily. it doesn't really do much in the way of things though-- she's got 40 something pounds of fur dropping 24/7. i'll be potentially having some massive events go on in the coming days, but if they don't go through, i'll cut my hair as a means to rebel, heh...

i'm excited for christmas, and all the things the new year will bring. this year has been transformative and better than the many i've lived through so far. i only hope the next year will be even better, as human nature requires me to desire more than what i have. i seriously cannot wait for christmas-- this is the first year i've had someone who i can not only give gifts to, but also wants me to celebrate with them. i have so many ideas, and so little time to execute them. grind time starts now!!

i have some things that haven't been able to be resolved, alongside some things that have delays. feels like mercury retrograde is real this time... but looking forward to a resolution to all this mess in the coming weeks. i hope you all have a great end of your year, and an even better beginning of your new year. here's to hoping i get any new content up and running for this blog before my birthday, heheh...