date: august twenty-fifth, 2024

subject: insecurity

feeling like . . . a big grey cloud, anticipating the rain to start from below me.
i get too happy, too wishful, too optimistic. and i'm brought right back down to the ground.
it was (almost, always almost) a perfect summer day. something is always off in some type of way.
how does someone say, i dreamt of you and it took my core and shook it until i was completely discombobulated, without seeming like "too much"? asking for a friend.
a while ago, someone i'm not close to was reading my entries out loud in a call. it made me want to delete the entire page, and honestly,
i'm still fighting the urge to remove any and all associations here.
i catch myself wanting to shut others out, to have them show some form of care towards me.
my brain doesn't know how to ask for proof someone genuinely cares, at least not without testing them or withdrawing or something rash.
i only catch myself as an attempt to be healthy; i know i'm trying to sever ties over people not being mind readers. i have to trust others and leave them be.
i want to feel all the emotions i have towards this person i like, but i know some are unhealthy. i try to reel my feelings in, but it begins to feel like i'm just reeling myself in. i don't know where my emotions and myself end and begin. whatever. problems for another day.
i ruminate far too much; clinging to angry ghosts of what could've and should've been. i never get to voice my thoughts. any positive feeling i once had is thrown into the fire. i'm reminded once again why i'm alone.
my dog is taking a little afternoon nap while ichiko aoba plays. i wish i was as relaxed as she is. the gift of having a peabrain...
i feel unwanted, annoying and burdensome. i don't know if i'll communicate these thoughts. i want to curl up and disappear.
i'll probably rewatch a comfort movie later. cry in a few minutes. try to motivate myself to draw or read a book or something . . .

date: august twentieth, 2024

subject: i am dramatic

i overreacted. just a tiny bit. maybe a little more.
anyway, fall semester has begun! i have much more work than i expected, but i'm ready to tackle it. i don't feel as bored or as unmotivated as i usually do when school begins. here's to hoping that feeling sticks for more than a few days lol
i don't think i've been very big on writing out my gratitude in regards to my friends, so i'd like to have this little space to thank all of my friends who have been around lately. my life has been less lonely and burdensome with you all. thanks for being here :)
sappiness aside, i have to get bloodwork done to see if there's anything wrong with my thyroid (spoiler: there probably is) and a colonoscopy for my IBD. i'm completely unhappy with having to take laxatives again, but whatever. at least i'll be able to figure out what's wrong this time. at this rate, i think only two of my body systems are in working order lolol maybe it's from all the mcdonalds
circling back to the august tenth entry, i told aforementioned crush that i have a crush on them. i didn't get rejected! we're just spending time a lot more, which is really nice. i think quality time is definitely my favorite thing to do with anyone. there are times when i don't think i'm providing entertaining enough dialogue or that i'm not as novel, but i try to brush that off. gaps in conversation are normal! n people have lives! i'm not the center of the universe -- and i think that type of treatment is what led so many prospective relationships awry for me. i enjoy this balance. they make me really happy :)

i've lately noticed a spike in "overconsumption" and "underconsumption" as trends on tiktok, which irks me a bit. some of the people being branded as the former are simply buying things, whereas the latter camp are just buying necessities. these aren't mutually exclusive. the former buying school outfits or jewelry aren't shopping addicts just as much as the latter aren't saving the planet by buying 1 bottle of detergent vs 4. a lot of the people being regarded as "overconsumers" are simply collectors, without the label. when did we start shaming people for buying variants of stanley cups when lego collectors exist? or poeple with matchbox car sets? or anyone who collects dolls, their favorite artists' merch, etc?? is someone only a collector when you deem their purchases "justifiable" or "just trinkets", and someone else "overconsuming" because you dislike their collection? i think humans always hoard things. that's our nature. we don't need to be perfect minimalists. people hoarding skincare and makeup that clearly expire are an issue, but i think bombarding a woman's comment section because she puts a mini purse on a water bottle is . . . a lot. i think we've lost the plot. especially the knockoff greta thunburgs out there who are truly incensed over stanley collections and are silent when viewing funko pop walls or seeing the amount of plastic they consume. why be a hypocrite? collect if you want to, someone's buying the item regardless of tiktok user's opinions. rant over!

date: august seventeenth, 2024

subject: stomachache

no new divider. maybe not today at least.
today was a really bad day. one of the worst i've had this half of the year. i try to be understanding of people, i try to respect every boundary and follow every rule i'm given. i try to never ask anyone for anything, just so i don't become a burden. maybe i'm just overthinking it, but nobody really cares if i'm kind or observant or trustworthy or considerate. i'm just supposed to make everyone happy and stay out of the way.
i'm not a real person. i'm just entertainment. nothing i do is ever good enough. i should quit now while i'm ahead.
why do i pour my heart into things that would never reciprocate? or, at best, remind me that i'm subpar?
i guess i'm just a masochist lol
cereal tonight! i never want to eat mac and cheese again.
stupid report:
reading: nothing
eating: frosted flakes
playing: hello kitty island adventure obsessing: over something that won't last
recommending: taking a nap
treating: nothing
see you next week, or whenever i end up in a better mood.

date: august tenth, 2024

subject: confusion

this summer has been so odd.
i wish i was able to type this up properly before i ended up forgetting, but i didn't get my wish lol.
i'll retype this when i get my thoughts back together.

ok i finally got my brain together!

i had a pretty okay day today. my face is getting worse because of my acne medication, which is really annoying since my upper eyelid is super dry n itchy. i got scratched up, so my cheek has a couple yucky scratches on them. here's to hoping my face heals quickly.
i've, to my great hesitance, caught feelings for someone. i think. i'm trying to not be too obvious about it, since i don't know for certain if this person likes me and don't want to risk making them uncomfortable. it's a bit ironic, given my recent entry re dating, but that's how the universe works. we've talked a lot lately, and it's starting to mess with my brain lol i keep having dreams about them and thinking about them in place of my typical stand ins.
not too optimistic regarding the crush, because i know whenever i'm excited and/or hopeful for things they go terribly, terribly wrong. i hope things go well, and i hope we can have a happy future, but i'll leave it up to the universe. or our actions. whichever decides first.
i'm a little upset about some things going on at home, but they'll be fixed once i start school again. i'm very excited to get a start on things! here's to hoping for a good autumn. i think i'll plan a little trip to vancouver or ontario, maybe nova scotia/newfoundland in late oct/nov . . . but i'll figure that out later on.
new divider! i'm sure you've seen it lol, but i don't know if i'll be keeping it. i'm going to look at some other graphics and stuff and figure out how to make my own. it's always been a goal of mine to branch out creatively, but i've also been very slow to achieve it since i'm so hesitant to change. that all changes soon, though!
i have a slight headache, so i'll probably end this entry here. i'll also do the r.e.p.o.r.t. thing here now too! hopefully it becomes a habit lol

reading: nothing yet! will update in this entry or the next.
eating: pizza, cinnabon, ben & jerry's the tonight dough, and mcdonalds
playing: hello kitty island adventure (been grinding, almost all friends at lvl 11-12 within 3 days. . .)
obsessing: over if my crush likes me or not lol
recommending: watching/listening to media in a language you don't know!
treating: splurging on &honey hair and body care sets

date: august seventh, 2024

subject: angst & curiosity

i'm at an odd crossroads this month.
i want to be excited for the changes coming, and to get back in the groove of things. i want to progress as a person, and i want to be able to enjoy the coming fall for once. but i'm hesitant to believe anything will genuinely change, despite the former already proving itself true. i think i'm just perpetually wary of change.
i've lost a lot of the energy to finish up coding the new pages here, mostly due to the repitition found in coding pages like these. i've also lost the energy to cook, which was oddly growing in frequency these last few months. let the record show i am not normally a lazy bum!
i finally read all of nekojiru's manga, and her allure is completely gone now. such an odd person. i wish i had that time back. also read "beneath the trees where nobody sees", and actually really liked it! it reminded me of dexter a bit, but unfortunately patrick horvath doesn't really have any similar books out as of this moment. i'll try to read a new book later this week i think.
i have an interview today, in a few minutes actually, but i'm likely just going to skip it. often i end up cutting opportunities short because i get too scared, or stressed, or whatever else prior to the event and leave. the thought of possible rejection hurts; i'd rather lick my wounds before they form than risk getting them at all. i'll sit and rot a few more months.
i have been considering coding a brand new set of pages here, ironically enough given my earlier passage re: coding. i want to have a little spot to showcase my writing again, and more ramblings that aren't diary entries. more shopping and writing tips as well. i don't know about actually implementing that, though. it seems like another headache to add to the list. plus, this blog is way too rife with personal information for me to have more professional aspects up. i'll likely just dump it all in a different site, another time. eta . . . oct-nov?? i dunno. i hate the entire corporate look of more professional blogs, though i understand the reason for their existence. i'll likely make the writing blog more . . . themed? i guess. professional and creative, or whatever. i dunno. i have a few layouts ready, and i probably will use one or two here to replace the index and about if i dislike them more soon enough. everything else is on a wip site.
i don't entirely know what to put here today. it doesn't feel like much of a writing day, to be honest. my mood's all rotten and my brain is mush. sometimes i want to pour out a massive rant here, but there's no true benefit for that.
i'm going to have mac n cheese and watch a movie now.