date: july twenty-third, 2024

subject: untitled

small afternoon update.
i'm really disappointed today; realizing the true extent to which my illness limits my freedom.
for those of you who don't know, i used to be a major natural disaster nerd. my first serious uni and career path was seismology. the iconic movie, "twister", has just had a sequelish rebootish thing come out, and i'm already late to the party. i can't view it in 4dx now, but i figured i could just make it to a super late night viewing in regular imax. unfortunately, i had my hopes up too early and the tickets are all sold out until the end of its viewing period. at least i can stream it, but i didn't realize how little i can go out and do things i like, especially things i feel "adults" do (ie going places alone, engaging in interests, etc) on the daily.
i was very productive today though, and was able to still have the energy to code and all this junk. made pancakes properly, did my hair, cleaned my apt, checked on oré's teeth, and confirmed some finaid mess with school. currently fighting the urge to take an early evening nap . . . there's something about being in water, and taking a fat nap right after, that feels so unique to summer. i love naps so much lol
heavily doubt that i've got the energy to finish out my language hub stuff, so i'll either update with a new page or . . . idk, forget and pass out. you'll see.
oh, i don't even need to pirate my textbooks it seems. i only have two books, and one is easily accessed. the majority of my classes thankfully have free textbook thingies. i'm excited to start school again, even if it means more work . . . ugh. august twelfth can't come any sooner.

date: july twenty-second, 2024

subject: evening stream of consciousness

i smell spaghetti sauce in the air, it makes me crave fresh ravioli. or spaghetti. i should probably make dinner . .
i had a somewhat difficult few weeks; too much stress and not enough solitude make for a horrible existence.
oré has a vet appointment this coming weekend, and i'm praying i only have to go out for that. i have three doctors appointments on wednesday, here's to hoping for medication soon . . .
i try not to discuss my love life often (in this part of my blog at least), since it's not at all positive. but, this is my diary, so who really cares anyway. if someone brings it up it's not like it matters.
this summer has been a challenging one, and i think this fall/winter i'd like to try to socialize, even without the intent to date. in all honesty i don't think i'm meant to date anyone until i get healthier, but i also doubt i'll ever get healthier, sooo . . . anyway, i'm trying to just let things happen naturally, and if they never happen then that's natural too. none of my life plans truly require romantic partnership, or platonic partnership. i'm too young to waste my life chasing people that will never love me, not truly at least, and people that just want to fuck. seeing happy couples depresses me, but mostly because i know the people that are attracted to me are either: A.) not my type, B.) only interested in short-term relationships/fwb/situationships, C.) just want to have sex, or D.) would never treat me like a human.
i know to a lot of people, i'm being shallow or selfish, but i think all relationships are selfish if we stop viewing selfishness as a purely negative trait. selfishness keeps us alive at times, and i'm not interested in contemplating spending the remainder of my life with someone who doesn't fit my wants and needs entirely. this is also why i'm not fighting my decision to abstain from relationships and dating; until someone shows up who actually fits my criteria and i theirs, what is the purpose in entertaining it? a lot of people value experiencing as much as they can out of life, and i applaud them, but romantic exploration isn't something i have the energy for. a day spent with someone who doesn't complement my values and am mutually miserable with is a day of my life i'll never get back.
i don't think i'm good enough for someone, at least right now and in a conventional relationship, anyway. i don't fit conventional beauty standards, i'm outspoken about what i believe in, i am extremely avoidant, and i have virtually no sex drive. if i were a prized heifer, i think i'd sell for twenty bucks at best. and i'm fine with that, at least for this moment. it took a lot of time to crawl out of this pit of insecurity that started so young for me, and to now be comfortable with the reality that maybe there isn't someone for everyone is okay. there's more to life than dating and couple videos and sex. i want to experience that.
that was a long ramble about almost the exact same point. anyway. i'm going to try and cancel an unrelated appointment, make psuedo-finance spreadsheets, pirate my textbooks for the fall, and play township. maybe in the next update i'll have the partner of my dreams lolol

date: july twentieth, 2024

subject: exile

i want to disembowel myself.
"(they long to be) close to you" is stuck in my head.
i no longer feel human. i let myself fall.
i did my best to keep well enough away from the cause of these events and anything remotely resembling them. they still found a way to me, years later.
i ponder, at times, if my suffering is necessary. in order for me to stay on the right path, i must suffer a great deal periodically. i must both give and receive suffering.
i know i need to be medicated.
this rage and hurt is getting to a boiling point. i only have to hold on until wednesday. only wednesday.
good things are coming. i need only be blind to all the pain i am being dealt.
it always comes. and i am always in pain.
i am speaking to myself, in a language older than anything.
many, bemused, will wonder what curse entraps me in my own flesh.
i am merely of nature. i have never been human. i never will be. i parade this mask and costume of flesh and i am seen for what i truly am.
natural.
i am beyond primeval. i am beyond the birth of all births. the blind and the wary are one and the same. they see all, they see none.
i have always been home. i have never belonged.
you cannot take me from myself. none may steal this wretched gift from me. no matter how much i plead.
i will never forgive you.

date: july fourth, 2024

subject: fall excitement.

eheh . . . hello everyone . . .

i've just been kinda . . . wandering aimlessly this past month ish without any real purpose. that defeats the point of saying aimlessly, but whatever. i've been stressed out over multiple things, but now i'm excited ish for the fall to come! i think i finally have hope that it'll be a good season . . .

anyway! this blog will be taken off publicly for a little, so i can give you all a surprise! i've hinted at it (as well as explicitly told a few people ) and i hope you can all guess, even if inaccurately. i'm the only one who truly knows what'll happen anyway!

in other news, i've been diagnosed with a few more health concerns, and soon i'll finally be treated for them! i'm very excited to get to live normally again. or at least some semblance of it! i even made plans for when i'm completely accustomed to my medications, so i can have a goal!

i'll be honest here, i completely slacked off for the better half of this summer. BUT! i did accomplish quite a few things in the last week! i'm finally registered for 90% of my classes for fall! one class hasn't made up its mind, though . . . i also completely misunderstood my disbursement schedule, but i'll be moving anyways, so alls forgiven! i am once again a university lady!

i don't feel as obligated to update this page, and it somewhat is due to the fact i have new friends that take up a lot of my time! between them, oré (who celebrated her second gotcha day on the second!), and my . . . miscellaneous time-stealers, the only thing i can really do each day is sleep. in nov-dec of 2023, i didn't really have any healthy outlet for my emotions nor my mental health. now, i've made so much more progress and can distance myself from this until i need/want it again. i suspect i'll disappear almost entirely in the fall, but i'll do my best to stay on track! it's nice to have a space i can do whatever i want with, but i think i also restrict myself by giving myself choice paralysis within this blog.

anywho, it's two in the morning, and i want to give oré a goodnight kiss before i head off to sleep. i remembered something i didn't put in here, but it's an extremely negative experience i had, so i'm happy to let it fly away in the wind. i'm very grateful for (most of) you, as i wouldn't have found as much confidence discussing my problems without a nonjudgemental ear. i wish the best for (most of) you!

with love, oré kisses, and nodding off,