date: april twelfth, 2024

subject: sisyphus

i've lost my voice today from the stress building up. my temper is reaching too high, and i don't enjoy being angry. everyone seems to be testing my patience this week.

i try to talk to my friends to have time together, and random people come in and immediately start interrupting and derailing. i try to deal with my tech bullshit, and now i have to go in tomorrow to sort it out. one guy keeps fucking dming me when i clearly don't respond to his fucking messages, and another is fucking stalking me. i'm likely going to take down the yamitai email because of the latter male, and if he's reading this:

i hope you fucking die. you couldn't stop at sending me 73 fucking messages, invading my privacy, and acting like a fucking lunatic-- no, you needed to wait until today to fucking find my blog email to fucking spam me once again. you're a fucking roach. you can't understand the basic concept of leaving someone the fuck alone when they clearly find your existence vile. i hope someone violates your privacy and safety the way you have with me.

this week has been nothing short of idiots and garbage, and with finals coming up, i'm likely going to just logout and study with no socialization. i'm sick of everyone somehow having their brain leak out their ears and nose and think i'm the one who's an idiot.

very excited for having to go out tomorrow because people are fucking incompetent.

date: april twelfth, 2024 (extremely late april eleventh entry)

subject: i hate phone companies

it was super hot out today. i think wearing sweats has (obviously, but i keep forgetting) contributed to me being even warmer. i despise dry heat, especially since i typically wear long sleeves and thick clothing. c'est la vie.

i've been noticing things i hate in prospective/current relationships much more often now as well. it gives me "the ick" when someone i'm interested in is venting/seeking out advice regarding me/our relationship in public chats or calls with friends, and in any capacity where i'm able to find out. it feels so odd -- just communicate directly to me or speak about it in private, why speak about me in a way that anyone can join in and be weird with that information? it's a major turn off. it's also more confirmation bias than an ick, but if a relationship or a talking stage fails, seeing that person suddenly become active and socializing is just genuinely odd. you couldn't be bothered to interact with my friends up until we stopped speaking? interesting... i think i've become a much more rigid person with relationships, and it isn't a bad thing at all. there's eight billion people on this planet; i deserve to be with someone who ticks every box. while i yearn for an easy relationship for the cute honeymoon phase, people are exhausting-- even more so when romantically involved. i'm not falling for the honeymoon phase any longer.

i tried to write down my thoughts, but nothing extremely eventful happened today. my order didn't arrive (again ), so i'll probably cancel it and reorder. i got groceries (though i couldn't get two important items and my neighbor scared the absolute shit out of me), and i watched kill bill. nothing super interesting or emotionally probing. sorry!

i never know what to buy for groceries. like, i know what i'll eat and everything, but i guess the choice paralysis creeps in too quickly. i got ice cream that i liked the last time, and almost bought a cake but decided against it at checkout. got oreos for a snack and cinnamon rolls as a breakfast/dessert kinda thing. i also got two sprites . . . i know i'm a hypocrite ok. at least i got a ton of pasta and veggies to counteract the sugar!!

all these emoticons make me feel like an old person. but in a cute way! so i'm keeping it.

i had a cinnamon roll already as dessert and it was surprisingly good for a grocery store bakery's product! i feel there's a weird quality difference between the prepacked stuff and what they have to offer fresh. we'll see if my opinion is more critical when i wake up hehe

i'm getting super sleepy and my sleep asmr playlist is calling me. i'll try to update this later today . . . goodnight!

love,

ai

date: april tenth, 2024

subject: hating heat

i'm currently in a vc with my friend & some other people, and neurotically avoiding any direct messages with friends. i genuinely want to spend time with them, but i don't have it in me to speak in an intimate setting where it's just the two of us. i don't know how to tell them, either. i mean, i do, i just don't feel that i'm at a point where i need to do it.

on a (somewhat) good note, it was very sunny today. it got too hot for me to truly appreciate the weather, so i just opened a window and let the air slightly cool me off. unfortunately, it seems we have more rain and storms overall coming this week. april showers or whatever. i wish we were in one static season instead of forty microseasons.

it feels like every time i think about my new tech, the order gets delayed more and more. i'm trying to stay positive, but it's super stressful not being able to get everything done properly because you're missing something important.

i hope the rest of the week gets better.

way past my bedtime update lol boy oh boy i am beat!

i've been trying to find a way to motivate myself to reply to dms, but i think i'm going to keep procrastinating until friday or the weekend . . . i feel like a terrible friend saying that. hopefully i force myself to talk more tomorrow.

going to try forcing myself to write down my thoughts throughout the day, since i enter this page expecting to rant, and end with two sentences at best. i'll try my hardest! knowing me, i'll probably only reply to one person.

in good news, i've finally had a sprite! those of you who know my feelings regarding sprite know how special this is hehe. i haven't had one for maybe a week or two, and it was nice! i'm really happy i could curb sugar cravings somewhat. i'm hoping i can make use of my at-home beverages in the meantime! maybe if i can find a hobby that takes up enough time, or dedicated more time to this blog hehe, i can ignore some of the sugar cravings. i'm indulging a bit since it's my time of the month.

here's to no more rainy days! i'm excited to have better weather and feel much better! i hope you all have better days as well.

i suppose i've run out of things to ramble about. i'm also spacing out, so goodnight! talk to you all maybe tomorrow!

love,

ai

date: april ninth, 2024

subject: gratitude

almost every day has been full of rain and gloominess. i hope more sunshine comes soon, in terms of both weather and mood.

my wifi has been absolute dogshit as of late. i suppose it would help me in web dev, or in working on my game, but it doesn't. nothing gets on my nerves quite like the "connected, no internet" signal and pickles.

also haven't received my phone, or any of my tech. also forgot my appointments are for this saturday and the seventeenth, so i'm avoiding a panic attack in regards to the latter. surgery is extremely important and will greatly improve not only my immediate issue but my quality of health, but i've never been more terrified to do something alone. i don't enjoy being this way . . .

my period has been making everything worse, in terms of socializing and my temper.

i find myself unable to avoid sad thoughts this week; it's the second day i've fought back tears. seeing my friends is nice, but i keep withdrawing from them without truly meaning to. they'd be better off without me in more ways than one.

i'm trying not to think too much about my shortcomings or anything truly negative, since i know i'll end up sobbing from my hormones. everything just feels like it's boiling over and nothing i can do will halt it, even for a little.

i try to make sense of my feelings and thoughts but tonight i'm stuck, running over the same bullshit dichotomy i've created for myself. i'm completely naive and foolish to believe i'll ever get better, to believe i'll ever reach my own goals. tonight is a testament to the fact that i am so fucking weak i'll never be able to heal. i deserve to be sick. i deserve to be alone. i deserve to suffer.

i hope the rest of this week is better, even if it means i'm unconscious for 75% of it. otherwise, i hope i finally kill myself. maybe i just need a nap. maybe i just need to find a distraction. maybe i just need to withdraw entirely.

i hope you all stay safe and warm.

love,

ai

date: april sixth, 2024

subject: horror tropes

i talked with some old friends today. i'd forgotten how easily my social battery runs out around certain people, and faced a rude awakening today. i hope i can work on keeping my sanity while also being around my goofier friends.

i've been watching a horrible horror movie with my mom and missing this moment before it even ends. earlier, we watched one of my favorite childhood movies while i answered her questions about why i liked certain things as a kid. it's always bittersweet, moments like these. she's never this interested in me for long-- she was even less interested when i was actually a child.

also got clothes for oré. she looks absolutely adorable in her new pajamas!! she's always so excited for new clothes, and gets upset whenever i have to take them off of her to wash lolol. such a baby.

i'm supposed to have a packed week this week, so apologies to those (if any) who read this and hope for consistent updates. i need to get my new phone and ipad tomorrow or monday-ish, a doctor's appointment on thursday, and lots of (hopefully) work on yamitai! on the seventeenth, i have my surgery consult (after three years of daily migraines and pain), so i'm looking extremely forward to that ^^

i hope this week is harmonious and (positively) eventful. hoping for sunshine, good health, and plenty of cuteness from my puppy.

date: april fifth, 2024

subject: annoyance

today was fine i guess.

i hate sounding like an angsty edgelord teenager when i say that, but it somewhat fits the mood.

i was supposed to be more productive today, but i was derailed and i couldn't get my focus back. i know i wasted money today, more than i expected, so i'm kind of mad with myself for being so idiotic.

my mom was supposed to help me with something extremely important that i was super optimistic about, but much like everything i get optimistic about, it fell through. she couldn't fill out a basic form accurately. i want to be angry and petty and overall vindictive with her regarding it, especially because of how important this was, but i'm just going to sit here and distract myself until i feel neutral about her.

speaking of parents, it's somewhat funny, the way they're almost allergic to the concept of expanding their knowledge of their child once they grow up. my mother still buys me shirts with barbie and mean girls logos, but conveniently has forgotten about my aversion to touch and the fact i use tampons now. she still buys a snack that i've since grown allergic to, as if she's compelled to do so out of habit. whatever her reasoning may be, or her intentions behind them, i just find it bittersweet that she clings to who i once was. i wish i could do that.

i've been growing more disillusioned with certain people, and contemplating my abilities regarding romance and attraction and friendships. i think i withhold affection and validation from others until/if they behave to my standards, which isn't healthy but it is what it is. i want to learn how to appreciate those close to me, even when they aren't acting like they deserve my appreciation. but that's a very, very low priority at the moment. i have more growing to do as a human being first; i've only been on this earth for 20 years and 24 days. i have time to grow. i have time to heal. i have time to fix. not everything gets done in a timely manner.

i hope i sleep warm and cozy tonight.

date: april second, 2024

subject: isolation

DISCUSSION OF SUICIDE BELOW! DO NOT READ IF TRIGGERED!

i want to get back into digital art and possibly start learning how to crochet or knit when i move. just craving something physical to do.

i've been rewatching kong: skull island, and i feel some goofy childhood love flare again. i've always loved kaiju films-- my father had me watch all the original films. i overanalyzed the meanings of each monster, foolishly hoping there'd be some megafauna out there we hadn't ever wandered upon. the new movies always provided more fantasy to it all. this one in particular was so gory that i gagged near the ending. it's probably some odd form of manifest destiny, but i'd always hoped that we weren't done seeing bigger creatures. i'd hoped i'd be the one to go out exploring in the ocean and stumble upon a society untouched by us. whether the group was kind or be my downfall wasn't a concern; we're human. we all end up being one or the other, in some way. i just want to document the existence of people before they're gone forever. we're not around for long, lifespan wise.

perhaps i've been more escapist recently, due to building stress. part of me always returns to kaiju movies, i think as some hope to entertain my child soul. maybe she'll be right someday, and we'll happen upon something completely new. or maybe we're too late.

11pm update. i've been in an extremely somber mood tonight. i think i miss those i've lost more than usual tonight. i'm happy i don't live in a high rise anymore. i remember playing les by childish gambino, and feeling the odd coldness of the nighttime. stepping outside with my bare feet. i've only felt the veil between this life and the next twice before this. i wasn't scared. i felt the way you do near the peak of the rollercoaster. i thought i'd just fall, go splat, and be with my family before i could even register what was going on. i still feel the weird tile under my feet. i still feel the breeze. i still feel my bangs. i remember pushing them at one point and feeling gross about them. it was one of the few recognizable feelings i had that night.

my parents both moved out of their high rises after that. my brother locked up his little area. my sister made my parents agree to never leave me alone at home for the entire day again. dad didn't follow through. i remember how it felt, my mom's hair, in my lap while she cried for an hour. she felt so warm. my grandparents let me have tattoos on my inner arms, hoping it would deter me from slitting them. i stopped wearing short sleeves outside and in the daytime at home-- seeing the tattoos, having the wind brush by them, having my arms touched, would remind me of my grandparents and then why they allowed me to get them.

my friends don't really know i attempted before. some do, but not how or why. they don't speak about it. i appreciate it some days, and others i wish they would just spit out their beliefs of me. i wish they'd just be honest.

i think about everyone, before and after my attempt. the rooftop one, i mean. a lot of people don't speak to me anymore. a few cling to me more now. while my mother sleeps in my guest room, she and everyone else doesn't know i'm looking at new methods. she doesn't know how tired i am.