date: march twenty-ninth, 2024

subject: failure and esims

i feel like everyday has been getting worse as my allergies clear and the weather gets better.

i'm entering a phase in which i cope with disappointment and failure by being completely apathetic to everything around me, and allowing avolition to take over. there's no use in doing anything, because whatever i do will end in failure. i'm not the kind of person to be motivated into doing things, so i just give up once i'm shown an obstacle to success.

oré and i have a slowly growing positive relationship again. for a while, things were kind of neutral ish, so i'm happy she's choosing to sleep with me and cuddle with me more often. it's nice to know your dog still loves you.

i'm getting my sense of taste back, not that it truly went anywhere. with allergies, it made everything taste terrible, so i ate less and less. i'm finally regaining my appetite. or it might be stress eating . . .

i'm going to try to keep watching nichijou and watamote. i think i need to have consistent media, or else i'll end up completely and utterly bored. i hoped monday would come and i'd have good things happen, but i give up on optimism. i just want to watch something and ignore my growing deadlines.

hoping tomorrow and the day after are better. doubting it anyway. i want to hide from everyone and just sleep.

date: march twenty-eighth, 2024

subject: girlhood and loneliness

i was eating sugar cookies and watching youtube videos and everything was fine. then, i saw a video about a girls trip to italy. it wasn't anything life-altering or revolutionary, just a video diary of a group of girls moments on vacation. but i felt more hollow than usual while watching.

i've spoken about my childhood sparingly here. whether that's due to my history of people using my personal information against me, paranoia regarding the former stemming from my schizophrenia, or the general disinterest i have in making my life sound worse than it was (or maybe i'm scared it was that bad...), i just . don't speak about my childhood. but that youtube video felt akin to someone hitting you right where you had a vaccine administered. sore, but not entirely painful.

as a child, i didn't have any friends outside of school. i wasn't allowed to hang out with anyone, save for two girls who i had the pleasure of being around a total of ten times in the eighteen years i was a child. when i turned twelve, my best friend at the time (whom i was friends with since the age of five) invited me over to her house almost every single day of the week. she was all i knew in terms of friendship; i had long abandoned the pursuit of achieving any other friends due to my severely declining mental and physical health. things got better socially in high school, but i lost that best friend. thirteen years of friendship gone. i still feel her absence if i let the house get too quiet.

in high school, i became very close to a girl who i still maintain contact with, despite her being slightly older and much more accomplished and overall who i wish to be when i grow up. aside from her, i have a few people i text every now and then but never truly get to see. i know i missed out on the opportunity to have long lasting bonds with people; quite possibly my only opportunity.

adulthood, for the most part, has been increasingly difficult when it comes to finding (and becoming) friends. some people are not ready to have someone new in their life. others aren't interested in a connection outside of sex. others aren't interested in you. all of them have their own reasons, and all of them fine in their own ways. it just leaves me to wonder if i'm ever actually going to have friends, or rather, a social life. i think, for the majority of my life, my loneliness was a result of my parents and my health. i never got to spread my wings and meet other people. now that i'm old enough, independent enough, healthy enough, i've missed all of my peers. they've formed their own lives, which is again fine, but aches. i don't think i'll ever get to meet people organically and form a friendship or two. i don't think i'll ever get to go out and join people for activities. much unlike the video i saw, i'll never get to experience a life that should've been mine.

i'm not upset about it, not anymore at least. i've grown to accept the things i've lost. acceptance doesn't mean it doesn't hurt anymore though. whenever i read entries about people's social lives or watch vlogs of people going out, i remember what it is that i don't have. it's nice to be on the outside looking in sometimes, but it gets ... lonely, obviously. i suppose i should be grateful for the experiences i had, and the people i once knew and still know. i am. it's just difficult sometimes, remembering that everything social was for a blip in my life. i hope i can get it back, but i figure there's no reason to drop everything and wait for someone to think i'm worth being around. i have a life. i should experience it, even if it's lonely.

! update !

i've figured out where i'm going to go on vacation with my mom, despite her behavior starting to seriously get on my nerves today. my stress is starting to build over some other things, but it doesn't matter if i speak of them or don't, the result is dependent on my mom getting her shit together.

tonight keeps getting worse. i'm going to watch videos on youtube and eat cookies until i fall asleep.

date: march twenty-seventh, 2024

subject: the beginning of the end (of my allergies)

i have a new diary/rambling page, can you tell? hehe.

my allergies are almost entirely gone, thankfully. but, i'm still coughing a ton since i have a bunch of phlegm. i hate that word but i hate what it looks like even more. mom made me some tea and it's helping my throat. warm drinks always feel so oddly comforting-- i rarely seek them out, but they're always nice when i do get them.

i'm getting stressed with some other things going on, but i'm trying to hold out hope for the future and not worry too much. there's no real point in worrying anyway, whatever will happen has already been decided. i just wish my amygdala could get with the program.

also attempting to work more on this site's reno, as well as game development. but i doubt i can accomplish both in the same time, so i'll try to flip between each other in hopes it'll keep my focus and engagement.

i'm going to finish my tea and try eating something. i hope for wealth, i hope for health, and i hope for warmth.

date: march twelfth, 2024

subject: happy birthday!

wahhh! it's my birthday!! somehow i've made my second decade's trip around the sun. there's a lot of weight added to this day, and i don't think i have the space to ramble about it here. in so many words, this day wasn't one i was supposed to bear witness to. it's a blessing to be able to have met and experienced so many people and things in the last twenty years. i can only hope for better to come in the future! i prayed for warm weather to come to me, and today was an insane 21c. i felt i was going to melt, lol. tomorrow is supposed to be 64f/17c, and the day after 55f/12c!! such an insane decline in weather. i'm glad today was as i hoped, at least weather wise.

i've receieved really good news, but it's extremely conflicting as well. i have quite a lot of vacation planning to do, and anxiety building up over school in the coming weeks . . .

in my previous entry, i mentioned a project i hope to work on. more details will be unveiled soon, but for now all i'll say is that it's caused . . . a lot of stress. i've got to figure out school issues before the summer or fall semesters begin, so i can figure some other things out. i also need to solidify my plan of action for not only an international trip, but a domestic one as well. i also need to draft up a shopping list for a new wardrobe, and a comprehensive list of new things for my new place. in other words, i have entirely too much to do, and so little time.

with the sun fully set, and my family asleep, i think about the future to come. i hope the future weeks and months are as sweet as this day has been; i'll work hard to make that hope a reality.