date: january sixth, 2024

subject: disappointment

i spent the last six days working on this site, and while i couldn't implement what i ultimately thought up, i'm happy with the tweaks. hoping to add bigger things once i'm in a more stable place.

soon i have to look at purchasing needles and syringes online; i need to self-administer my medication before my health takes a turn for the (even) worse. i hate speaking about my health at times, and now is one of those times. i wish i was healthy, but it seems this first month of the year has led to my body shutting down more than ever. it's disheartening and i wish i could just die sometimes. a lot of times i think about taking my life. i never get past the planning stage; i don't want to die, i don't want to be in agonizing pain before i die or experience an afterlife or lack thereof or leave my mess behind for anyone else. i just want a new body, new life. sometimes.

it snowed last night and this morning; my puppy lost her shit. it was adorable seeing her zooming around and inhaling chunks of snow. i love her so much, but i wish she'd stop terrorizing the birds perched on the branches of the trees in my yard; she knows they don't want to eat her snow.

i hope you all stay safe in the cold. i know how unforgiving the winter can be. stay warm, bundle up, don't run (black ice is a bitch), wear a scarf and gloves/mittens!

date: january third, 2024

subject: concise thoughts

watched saltburn; it was boring as hell up until i finally caved and read the wiki plot. amazing slow burn.

echolalia by faetooth feels like some angsty ver of a rdr2 song. or maybe some country based resident evil installment. food for thought. added it to the music player on the bottom left.

* 03/28 update: music player doesn't exist here. exists in old diary page.

date: january second, 2024

subject: sadness

i've been working on uploading chapters, but as of lately i've lost all motivation towards literature. honestly, i'm contemplating deleting parts of this site in droves. despite achieving relative success with this little piece of the internet, i feel i've accomplished close to nothing. if i'm being honest, i'm unsure if i've accomplished anything in the last year aside from having lived to see another birthday.

i haven't been able to secure an appointment for my medication, and as far as i know, all future appointments are available starting in april. i don't feel comfortable anymore divuling the details of my health on here, but for those who do know the effects of my illness, we know april isn't a realistic timeline. mentally, i've been suffering more than i ever have, and i feel myself becoming more accepting of what's to come if i'm unlucky in the next month or two.

on the slightly bright side, i still haven't cut my hair! i feel more ... pretty, i guess, with it. i've been looking at myself in the mirror, which is a genuine first, but no real focus on my face. i wish i didn't exist.

recently read a book titled taming the beast which, albeit a masterpiece on a niche aspect of trauma that people are typically terrified to even consider writing, triggered the shit out of me to no ends. i think my brain fused myself and the protagonist together, which depressed me further. i had to think for a bit, if i'll always be a victim, if he'll always own a part of me. i still don't know the answer. i don't know how to pick up the pieces of myself if someone has stolen some of them.

i'm just gonna go ahead n delete pages. i'm tempted to delete a couple social media accounts; just stick to my website, tiktok, discord, youtube, n maybe instagram. everything else goes, or is locked down.