date: november twenty-first, 2023

subject: building stress

it's almost been a month since my last entry, i suppose that can attest to my struggles at communicating even with a journal lol. for starters, i haven't cut my hair yet. also haven't gotten a job technically, which is causing a lot of stress. i've halted academics in order to just ... figure shit out ig idk.

i fucking hate november. it's never been a good month for me. i struggle heavily, especially this week, with managing PTSD symptoms alongside some other mental health issues. this month has been full of me crying and wanting to die and oversleeping. i've had very tight deadlines that i've failed to meet, and while i normally accept and dismiss failures, these deadlines have been incredibly important to me. i only hope december is a better month, but with the way the last six years have been, i doubt i'll have a good anything until i either move to a different state/country, or i die i guess.

i'm trying to work on more literary junk, and coding a cute thing for the index page whenever a new season comes, but i doubt the motivation will come anytime soon. everything i do lately is to keep oré happy and healthy or to ensure i don't get incredibly sick and die.

i'm grateful for my friends, but i've come to realize due to my agoraphobia and my issues during childhood, it's unlikely i'll ever get the chance at normalcy, or making friends that aren't suspicious of my health or personality. i don't think i'm ever going to have a truly healthy life. but it is what it is. i don't bring these things up to garner pity or sympathy; this is just a consequence of life being life. i'm grateful for the good things and the bad things are what they are. i can't fight things set in stone.

gonna try reading more books next year. and watching more movies. hopefully i'm in a better place, and i'll have a more stable shot at getting my hopes to happen. lately those hopes just look like sleeping in a warm bed with fluffy socks and having a cup of hot chocolate. someday.